You can’t eat.

You smile, but inside you want to die.

This is supposed to be the most amazing time of your life. You’re finally engaged! Engaged!

Your single friends are looking at you with envy.

Your mother is happy that it’s finally happening.

Your fiancé looks as if he’s just won a prize (wise man! Because if he’s not looking like just won a prize, he will not treat you like a prize).

But you, on the inside, are dying. Dying because you’re not sure if you’re ready. You are not sure if you’re ready to stay with one guy for the rest of your life. You’re not sure if you can live with his habit of biting his nails and then piling the pieces up on the coffee table and leaving them there for days. You’re not sure if you can handle your future mother-in-law’s constant critique and judgments.

You’re just not sure.

What most people do—and what they really shouldn’t do—is tell their friends.

“You’re crazy! You have a man that loves you and wants to marry you? What’s to worry about?” they snap. This is especially true if they’re single and haven’t found a good boyfriend yet.

“Well, honey listen. Marriage is not a fairytale. It’s work. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have done it so young,” says your married friend. And to think, you thought as an outsider looking in, your friend was happily married.

What do you do when you have cold feet and no one in your immediate circle understands why? How do you push past the “I’m so gonna scream” feeling you get every time you think about being shackled to this one person for the rest of your life?

Sidebar: Shackle sounds like a bad word. Maybe too harsh? But yet…it fits somehow…

When I receive the floods of daily emails from frantic newly engaged women and brides about to walk down the aisle in a week, I always tell them to ask themselves this one simple question:

If he hadn’t asked me to marry him, would I still want to be with him?

Why is this question important?

It takes the emotion out of “cold feet”. You see, having cold feet is not the reason you’re having doubts about getting married. The problem is something buried deep inside. It’s a treasure that you’ve hidden from yourself. Learning to zero in on what is really bothering you will possibly eliminate 95.9% of your cold feet. (The other 4.1% is the anxiety about communicating what’s bothering you to your partner.)

A Side Story

In a hostage situation, the police negotiator is trained to keep the perpetrator calm. They do this so that the perp won’t go crazy and shoot people due to an onslaught of emotions overtaking him. This is also why they always give in to their crazy demands.

Helicopter? Check.

A million dollars in unmarked bills? Check.

Pizza? Double check.

All of this is done to calm the perp’s nerves. Give them what they want and keep them calm so they can figure out why the crazy banshee is holding these people hostage in the first place.

What You and A Crazy Man Taking Hostages Have In Common

You, my dear, are no different. (minus the hostage scenario)

You see, when you’re an emotional wreck, you can’t focus on anything but the problem. And focusing on the problem will not solve it. In fact it will create more of it.

You start to solve it by asking it questions. The first being:

If he hadn’t asked me to marry him, would I still want to be with him?

Want more help with this? Grab a copy of the book below. (It’s free)

Did you know that love does NOT conquer all?

You see, often people get married with the idea that their “chemistry”
or undying love for each other will keep them together forever.

However, with almost 50% of marriages ending in divorce these days, it’s
obvious that this isn’t the case. Therefore, it pays to know a few little
secrets before getting married.

Here are 5 tips that help keep couples together long after tying the knot:

Tip #1 – Continue dating

Over the years, people often drift apart or relationships and marriages become
stale because couples fail to do new and special things together. That’s why
going on new and refreshing dates is so important. In fact, there is something
about “dating” that creates a sense of magic in a relationship and
can even bring relationships out of a rut. While on a date, you also put more
effort into your appearance, have more uninterrupted time to communicate on
a deeper level and are naturally drawn closer together. Stuck for ideas? Spend
the day at the aquarium, zoo, museum, carnival, bookstore, beach or park.

Tip #2 – Delay is often better

It’s a well-documented statistic that couples who have dated for a year
or longer before marriage have a significantly lower rate of divorce than those
who married after a short dating period. A year of dating gives time for many
emotions to surface and many character traits to be discovered. You may adore
someone in the spring, but despise him or her in the winter. Asking someone
for his or her hand in marriage on the third date isn’t romantic. It’s gambling.

Tip #3 – Always express your love

Oftentimes, as a relationship matures, partners tend to stop praising each
other because they ‘assume’ their partner already knows what they’re thinking.
When in reality, a day should never go by without you praising your partner.
Compliment them on their cooking, reaffirm that they’re the greatest person
in the world or tell them they’re a wonderful role model. If you want
to be loved and romanced by your sweetheart, love and romance them first. When
they’re feeling loved, it is much easier to love in return. Are you a super
supporter of what your mate does and says? So do you cheer them on and praise
them constantly? Or do they constantly hear boos or silence?

Tip #4 – Take time to understand your partner

Couples with the most problems are often the ones that say, “I just don’t
understand him/her.” So let me ask you: How knowledgeable are you about
your mate’s profession or the degree they are pursuing? Do you know anything
about his or her family heritage? Are you able to have a meaningful conversation
about her cross-stitch hobby or his interest in rugby? If you are a man, do
you fully understand what women experience during PMS or menopause? You don’t
need to be identical, but make an effort to learn about the things that interest
your partner in life and you’ll grow closer as a result.

Tip #5 – Answer the BIG questions

Does your partner want kids? Do you both want careers? Do they have a history
of spending their way into debt? Do they go to church?

In my opinion, the biggest reason almost half of marriages end in divorce is
because couples fail to ask each other the right questions BEFORE they get married.
I guess people think they’ll be able to change their spouses after marriage
and everything will be better. Wrong. If you fail to sit down and discuss finances,
religion, sex, housing, your future, and other topics in great detail, you could
end up with nothing but argument after argument for the rest of your days.

In the end, if you both have completely different views, desires and goals
in life, there’s no guarantee that chemistry or “I love you’s”
will help you stay together. Make it your utmost priority to understand each
other ‘inside-out’ BEFORE you take that walk down the aisle.

About the author:

Michael Webb is the author of “1000 Questions For Couples” the most
comprehensive book of questions that all couples should ask before getting married.
Covering lovemaking, religion, careers, money, children & raising them,
household work, personalities, the future and much much more. To learn more,
visit: 1000 Questions
For Couples

Nagging and demanding is akin to a skateboarding on a slippery slope. You think you can control it or if you can’t, you can at least just skateboard down a little ways, ya know, before it gets too dangerous.

Except…well, you don’t skateboard just a little ways down. You end being unable to control yourself. Before you know it, you’re crashing into a tree, crying your eyes out, and beside yourself with frustrations. Doesn’t he know that if he just did what you asked, everything would be perfect?!

What you need, my dear lady friend, is to turn your nags into a request.

How a Nag & Request Differ

A nag is a constant repetition of how he’s making you unhappy. (from his perspective, that’s what it sounds like) The tone of a nag can go from whiny to demanding in a matter of seconds. Afterwards you feel icky. You know there’s gotta be a better way, but you’re unsure about what that way is.

According to the dictionary, a request is something that is politely asked for. Keyword there is politely. There’s no such thing as a polite demand or a polite nag.  I would like to add that a request also has an element of trust. Trust that he will actually carry out your request. Now, let’s take your nags (or demands) into requests.

3 Ways to Turn Your Nags Into Requests

1. Acknowledge

Before you say what you want, acknowledge what he’s already giving. It lets him know that you’ve recognized what he’s already giving you and it makes him more open to hearing out your current desire.

2. Make it Concrete

Don’t flood him with all the things you need done and don’t complain about all the things that he’s forgotten to do either. Give him ONE concrete thing he can do to make you happy. Example, instead of “Why haven’t you taken the garbage out?” or “I’m so tired of doing everything around here!” try saying “Hey thanks for putting that smelly lettuce in the garbage. Do me a quick fave and throw the garbage out so the whole house doesn’t stink.” Or “It would be a huge help for me if you picked up the kids today so that I can have an hour to myself today.”

3. Should-ing isn’t allowed

Tell him what you want, but don’t tell him how it should be executed. If you really want him to cook for you, don’t tell him he should do it the way you want. All that’s gonna lead to is him saying “Well, if you want it done your way, why don’t you do it then.” Women get into trouble with this when it comes to how he washes dishes to how he folds laundry to how he cleans the bathroom. If you ridicule him for it, you’ll be stuck with it forever and ever, Amen.

Now if he asks how you want something done, that’s a different story. But some men don’t ask for directions even if they’re 100 miles off course so…just be prepared that he may not ask.

I’m giving lotsa communication tips in my new book Why Did He Do That? 20 Common Male Phrases & Behaviors Decoded. 

“I can’t continue to be with him because he doesn’t go to church every Sunday & Wednesday.”

“I can’t be with him because he doesn’t have a college degree.”

“I can’t marry him because he’s 2 inches shorter than me.”

We all have them. Reasons why this guy isn’t good enough or “on your level” like you’d prefer. And yet, there’s something about him that is so endearing.

Maybe it’s that he makes you laugh or he listens to you and offers sound advice. Maybe he simply remembers to unload the dishwasher and puts his dirty clothes in the hamper. Maybe he pays the bills on time and makes you a priority in his life.

Whatever it is, you like him (or even love him). But—there’s always a but—you think you can do better. What’s a girl to do? Should you lower your standards and stay with him? Should you walk away and find someone that has those six-pack abs?

Before doing anything, let’s get clear on some things.

• How do you feel when you’re around him?

Do you constantly argue? Does he belittle you? Do you smile and laugh when you’re with him? Can you be yourself (even go without make-up) around him? Can you agree to disagree with him?

How you feel when you’re with him is a HUGE indicator of whether you should leave or stay put. So…what’s the verdict on that?

• Do you have a similar mind-set?

Do you believe in the same things? Does he make fun of your beliefs? Are there some topics that are “off limits” because one or both of you gets irritated?

Notice that in order to answer these questions you need to have been around your guy a few months (not weeks). I believe that instinctively, you should know whether or not you want to move things forward with him very early on. I suggest that my clients keep asking themselves every other month or so “do I like how he views the world?” or “is his point of view on certain things, complementary to my own?”

Those questions alone have saved several brides-to-be thousands of dollars (and unknown amounts of time)  in wedding planning.

• If the sex wasn’t good (or GREAT), would you still want to be with him?

This is a biggie. Since most people don’t listen to the advice of no sex for the first 3 months, it’s easy to fall in lust and confuse it with love. Sleeping with him too soon clouds your judgment.

When you’re sane, you understand that paying for a grown man’s rent is not ok. But…if he’s sexing you right, you may start to think that you were too uptight and that paying for his rent every now and again is perfectly ok.

If you’re in that stage of “I’m not sure about him,” definitely ask yourself this question to clear up your confusion.

• Am I worried that he’s not good enough for me OR am I worried about how other people will look at us?

I suggest asking yourself this question anytime you doubt your relationship. What I’ve found with a lot of women who email me or call me for coaching, is that nine times out of ten, they’re REALLY happy with the guy they’ve chosen.

Their biggest fear is that friends or family members will make fun of him because he’s short or he talks loud or he’s not as cute as the last guy they showed off… or any number of other reasons.

At the end of the day, YOU have to be happy with your choice. To hell with everyone else. If your loved ones care about you, they’ll like your guy simply because you like him. Everything else is crap.

It’s always great to get clear about what you want and evaluate whether or not he fits the bill. Here are some questions to get you started. 

Whether you’ve been with your boo 2 weeks or 20 years, keeping the fun and sassy in the relationship is essential to making it last. Here are ten super fun couples games that will bring back that spark in no time. (Please Note: Some of these games will require some liquid courage. Make sure you have it on hand!)

1. Dare/Double Dare

Nothing like a challenge to add some serious spark to your relationship. What should you dare? That’s up to you and your boo. You guys could go to a shopping mall and then unleash your dare/double dare challenges or you could do them from the comfort of your own home. Whatever rules you guys come up with, make sure you have LOTS of fun.

2. Twister

A good bottle of wine and a game of Twister can literally make you laugh your ass off. You can play this fully clothed, in your underwear, or in the nude. To keep it fair, you may want to have a few “lose a turn” rules. My personal rules include no farting, no hair pulling, and no tickling.

3. I’ve Never

My all time favorite “all ya need is alcohol” game. If you’ve never played, the rules are simple. Pour you and your honey a glass of wine (fill it to the brim) and then get nice and comfortable. If you’ve never done what is being said, you don’t drink. If you have, you take a sip. The objective is to get him sipping more than you. So if you know he’s been to Hawaii and you haven’t, you’d say “I’ve never been to Hawaii.” He’ll of course drink and then say his I’ve never. Use this as a way to get to know your boo all over again.

4. Gamble

Playing poker, dominos, or craps can prove to be a hella good time. Make the rules to where the loser has to cook dinner for a week or drop an article of clothing or something else that raises the stakes. If you want to gamble in a very naught way, click here.

5. What’s Your Fantasy?

What\’s Your Fantasy by Ludacris

This one reminds me of Ludacris’ song (check out the video).

If you really want to get to know your boo (and yourself) play the fantasy game. All you have to do is share some of your wildest sex fantasies. You can even make categories like Oral Stimulation Fantasies, High School Fantasies, PDA Fantasies, etc. Be sure to set up some guidelines so that the both of you are free to express yourselves without ridicule or judgment. Most importantly, have FUN!

6. Random Question

This best done on index cards. You and your boo get about 25 index cards each and write down some random questions to ask each other. The sillier the questions are, the better this game will be. Some examples: What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done or said to get a date? Which would you marry: Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, or Charlotte? Why? If you had to choose between running in the Sahara or walking through Antarctica, which would you choose? If you were a piece of candy, what would you be and why? Get the gist?

7. Video Games

Guitar Hero, Wii,  and Xbox are just a few gaming consoles to choose from. Choose a game that both of you agree on and let loose.

8. Mad Gab (and other card/board games)

I do not recommend Monopoly unless you’re playing with other couples. Uno, checkers, chess, Connect Four and other board games are loads of fun for a couples night in. As I’ve said for the other games, make sure you create some rules and a prize for the winner (or a disastrous activity for the loser).

9. Water Balloon or Water Gun Fight

This is one of those games that will bring out the kid in both of you. Give each other a set amount of time to prep. There’s nothing worse than being hit with his water balloon as you’re trying to fill yours up!

10. The List

This is similar to Random Question, but with a little more structure and focus. On a sheet of paper, jot down about 10-15 categories such as Movies, Cakes, Food, Cars, Cities, etc. Once you’ve listed the categories, you & your boo need to have separate sheets of paper. On your papers, you each should write down your top 5-10 items under each category. So for example, for the movie category, you would write down 5-10 of your favorite movies of all time. Once you’ve finished with that, complete the next category. It may be smart to put a time limit on completing this task. After time is up, share your answers. Take my word for it, this is actually a lot of fun and gives you an opportunity to see him through new eyes (and vice versa).

BONUS: Cook Off or Bake Off. There is nothing better than a food competition, especially if there was a whole lotta shit talking beforehand. Recruit some neighbors or friends to taste the end results to determine the winner.

What games do you and your boo play? Share them below.

But there are times when you WANT evidence to back you up! You NEED evidence to back you up! Not to prove to him necessarily, but to prove to yourself that you’re not crazy and that something is not right. It may not be wrong per se, but something is certainly off.

What do you do when you feel like you’re being overly paranoid and need proof to calm your nerves?

1. Walk away from the situation

Don’t walk away from the relationship (just yet), but walk away from whatever is irking you. That may mean actually physically taking a walk around the block to clear your head. It may mean going to a yoga class to clear your mind chatter. It may mean getting in your car and driving around with the radio off. It may mean mentally telling your rambling thoughts to take a hike. Whatever you choose to do, take a step back and focus on something else for a moment. This will help you get clear and centered.

2. Notice the familiarity

Sometimes, without even noticing it, we react to our new partners based on what our ex did to us. Sometimes your current boo’s behavior mimics your ex’s behavior and you believe that it has the same meaning. You may want to fly off the handle and curse his ass out or put all of his clothes in a garbage bag and say “Good riddens!”

However, before doing anything you may regret, take an internal peak at what you’re reacting to. Is it reminding you of some situation or person from the past? If so, how? How did this situation from the past make you feel? Did you end up reacting the way you wanted to?

Before actually launching an all out Nancy Drew on your man, how about you do that on yourself first. Not to let him off the hook, but so that if you do need to approach him, you’ll be able to tell him in a language he understands.

3. What’s his number?

After you’ve gotten clear that this is in fact, not a reenacted scene from your past, now it’s time to find out what’s really going on. Is this the first time you’ve had this irky feeling about your man? Is it a repeated feeling? Do you only feel this at certain times of the day or when he participates in certain activities? The number of times you’ve felt this irkiness can be an intuitional hit that something is going on. In which case, you need to have a chat with him.

4. Getting to the bottom

Try, with all your might, to avoid the phrase “We need to talk.” He will instantly get on the defense and you’ll end up more frustrated than before.

How about while you’re cooking dinner together, casually bring up what’s irking you. Make sure he’s doing something like chopping veggies or setting the table. If he’s watching ESPN or MSNBC, he will tune you out, so bring it up during a time when he’s being active but not necessarily mentally preoccupied. For example, helping you cook dinner, brushing his teeth, washing & drying dishes, or driving to the store. The key is you want to bring up what’s bothering you, get a straight answer, without him feeling like you think he’s a horrible person.

It’s a little tricky, but it’ll be totally worth it in the end. You’ll get a little bit more clarity about whether you’re being paranoid or if something is really up, and he won’t feel like he needs a lawyer to talk to you.

5. Know when to walk

Sometimes, as most women in relationships know, a lot of our interpretations of his behavior is simply our own old baggage coming to the light. However, there are times when, without a shadow of a doubt, you know you’re not being paranoid and that he’s really being a sneaky, sly, S.O.B. Don’t be afraid to follow your gut and walk away if need be.

What are your thoughts? Share them below.

A & B #1: You and Her

Make sure you’re polite and cordial. No talking about how your man (and her ex) is treating you like a queen! Don’t start drama where there needn’t be. Keep everything cordial and about the happenings of the kids. Tell how the kids felt at the pool or how much they enjoyed the movie with you and their father. More importantly, ask how’s she’s doing. Sometimes, just a simple “How are you,” is all that is needed to dismantle a brick wall of hostility.

However, if she doesn’t respond or gives you attitude, do not, I repeat, do NOT reciprocate her negative ways. Simply smile and keep it moving. If she goes so far as to be disrespectful to you in any way, tell your man that he needs to tell her to be respectful.

Why should you tell your man rather than you do it yourself?

Because even though the mother of his children is being rude and obnoxious with you, her anger is not with you. It’s with him. And it’s his job to set clear cut boundaries and one of his main boundaries is that you should be treated with respect.

A & B #2: Your Man and The Mother of his kids

Again all conversations should be about the kids. There is no reason for him to tell her about the problems the two of you are having and it is not the time for her to inquire what is going on in your relationship. Communication should never get into a sexual nature and in fact, there needs to be a boundary set that staying over each other’s homes will not happen under any circumstances.

A & B #3: You and the Kid(s)

Make sure you treat his children as if they were your own. Be sympathetic about their situation and try to understand how hard it must be for them to not live with both parents. Before you initiate any kind of discipline, talk to your man to see what he prefers for his children. In fact, this is a good time to discuss all things child rearing related. (Go here for more things to discuss with your boo before the shit hits the fan).

One of the key elements when dealing with his kids is this: do NOT bad mouth their mother in any way. Not only will the children report back what you say, it will make them feel like crap. Don’t do that to them. Instead, build his children up and make them feel loved and wanted anytime they’re around you.

Effective communication is essential to having a magical relationship with a man that has children. It requires your utmost mature adult behavior. Some people can’t handle it, and if that’s you, you should step away now. But if you can, the rewards will make it worth it.

What are some communication tactics that have worked for you in your situation or in a situation that you’ve observed? Please leave a comment below.

Which is why I decided to discuss the most important element to having a magical relationship (yes it IS possible) with a man with a baby momma: setting clear-cut boundaries.

Boundaries are simply drawing a line in the sand, putting an invisible fence around what respect looks like for you. These boundaries are needed in every relationship, but it’s desperately needed in a blended family situation because if not, the shit could get ugly really fast. Just go here and see what I mean.

Here are 4 ways to set boundaries with your man and his baby momma.

1. How often will he see his kids?

This is a big deal. Not only for the child/ren who want to see their father, but to you and your relationship with the father. If he doesn’t have a schedule with his kids, find out why.

Sometimes the reason the man doesn’t see his child/ren regularly is because the baby momma prevents it. But, there is also the case where the baby momma welcomes the father to see his child/ren and he chooses not to. If it’s the latter, you may want to bring this up. I’m a firm believer that how a man treats the child/ren he has now, will be the way he treats the child/ren he has with you.

2. How are things being taken care of financially?

“But, Shay,” you’re thinking, “this really isn’t any of my business!”

I beg to differ.

If you’ve gotten serious with your man and he has kids by another woman, finances are uber important. Uber! Why? The money that he has to spend on child support, private schooling, school supplies, medical expenses, that really expensive field trip to the Smithsonian, and uniforms for extracurricular activities, will come out of your household.

Sure on paper, it may look like your man is bringing in six figures, but after taxes, his bills, and taking care of his child/ren, he may only have the earnings of a cashier at a convenience store. Seriously.

This doesn’t mean you need to break things off, it just means you need open your eyes to the money being brought into your household. So sit down and figure out how much money he’s divvying up to his child/ren. It’s important to consider things like field trips and equipment needed for extracurriculars because more than likely, the single mother won’t be able to provide all of that herself.

3. Are there babysitting privileges?

Sometimes, the mother of your man’s child/ren wants to go out with her friends or enjoy a date or simply some alone time. What are the circumstances in which it would be ok for you and their father to take the kid/s?

This is HUGE and needs to be talked about ASAP. Like before you walk down the aisle.

4. How will the kid/s spend holidays and vacations?

Again, this is something to consider ASAP. Will the child/ren spend time with you and your man during the summer months? Will they be with you during Spring Break? How will they spend Thanksgiving and Christmas? What about religious events like baptisms, Easter, and Sunday Bible School?

When you take on a man with children, there is a lot to take into consideration. You are automatically thrown into an instant family situation. You have to learn to be cooperative and share your man with his children. I’m not saying it’s easy, but if you’re seriously considering marrying this man, you have to grin and bear it.

Don’t worry though, it’s not all bad. In fact, the only reason it can get really ugly is if there are no clear cut boundaries for all involved.

In the next article, I’m gonna talk about the next biggest element in creating a magical relationship with a man with children: communication.

In the meantime, leave a comment below and let me know what you think about setting boundaries with baby mommas. What else comes to mind? Leave a comment below and let me know.

P.S. Feel like you’re being unfairly treated or neglected because of some baby momma drama? Send me an email at info@shaybanks.com so we can chat.

Special Guest Post by my dear friend, Kimberly Riggins.

If you are a single lady, unlucky in love, or looking for “that man”, listen up.

Are you someone who looks in the mirror and hates what you see? Are you constantly criticizing your appearance, your body shape, your size? Do you have a hard time accepting a compliment? Are you always asking your friends and family whether or not you look fat? Or if your butt looks too big? Breasts too small? Are you worried that if the guy you are dating sees your cellulite, your kangaroo pouch (also known as your stomach)or gets a glance at your flabby thighs, he will be repulsed and break up with you or leave?

The good news is you are not alone. Many women suffer from a negative body image. The bad news is that if you don’t let those body hang-ups go, it can kill your relationship, even before it starts.

So, what’s my point here?

Well, if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? And if you are single and wondering why none of your dates ever go anywhere, having a negative body image may be the reason. It’s time to drop it like it’s hot!

Most men want to date or be in a relationship with a confident woman. A woman who can enjoy herself…who is content with her own presence and who is not afraid to be vulnerable and let it all hang out. And when I say let it all hang out, I am talking about those damn insecurities you can’t seem to let go of.

Truth be told…he will bolt if he senses your uncertainty, your lack of confidence. He doesn’t want that headache. He wants to have fun and get to know you. Not sift through the shit to find out who you really are.

So, if you are having trouble snagging a man or keeping one around, it is time to check your self before you wreck your self.

So what’s a girl to do?

1. Learn To Love That Body

Get naked with it. I am serious. Take those damn clothes off and take stock in your value. Stand in front of that mirror and find some things you love about your naked ass. Peruse every inch until you can appreciate, not only what your body can do for you but each fold, wrinkle, scar, mark or imperfection because that is what makes you magnificently unique and amazingly beautiful.

2. Move and Groove

“Shake that ass, show them what you got.” There is nothing more liberating that moving your body to some killer music. To connect your mind and body in such a way can help you release any adverse feelings you have in your own skin. And it oozes sex appeal. Men love women who are not afraid to move…and don’t worry if you are not a good dancer…they don’t care.

3. Find Your Inner Sexy Vixen

Ladies, you have one. If she’s been hiding, it is time to let her out to play. Entice her. Care for her. Give her a luxurious bath, followed by sweet smelling lotion. Drape her with silk lingerie. Feed her decadent food. Teach her a sensual dance. The key here is to shower her with love so she wants to come out to play.

4. Think Like A Man

Say what? Okay, this one may need some explaining. The deal is simple. When you are having an insecure moment about your body, before you let it affect your night out with your man…think about how “he” would look at your body or the part you seem to be consumed with. I guarantee you that if you are worried that your man is going to be repulsed by the cellulite on the back of your thighs in your mini skirt or your less than toned abs…think again.

He is looking at you with x-ray glasses, envisioning what you would look like without anything on or at least thinking about what undergarments you are wearing beneath those clothes. Men do not sweat the small stuff. They do not dwell on those small imperfections that you can’t stop staring at. They see beauty in all flesh and find any woman who has confidence sexy as hell.

I promise you this…if you stand naked in front of any man…he won’t be noticing your cellulite…he is going to so damn happy you are standing there naked at all.

That’s it ladies. If you want a hot, lasting beautiful relationship with a man, let go of those insecurities. Drop those body hang-ups. Show up as the confident, sexy woman you already are.

These are perfectly great questions and I assure you that the women who asks these questions are really awesome. But, even those of us that are awesome get a little stuck. So before I give my answer, I want you to answer the following statement.

When was the last time you…

…smiled at a stranger?

…paid for the person behind you?

…bought lunch for someone just because?

…had a dinner party?

…called up an old friend to say hi?

…told your parents you love them?

…supported a cause?

…taken a bubble bath?

…played a drinking game with your friends?

…watched a double feature?

…spent all day lying in bed?

…bought new lingerie?

…said Hi to your neighbors?

…got really interested in someone else’s life?

…laughed ‘til you cried or peed your pants (even a little)?

…listened to all the music you loved in high school?

…enjoyed the sun’s warm embrace as you read a book?

…enjoyed an evening with candlelight?

…looked in the mirror and said “I love you”?

…cried your eyes out during a good movie?

…played in a rain shower?

…read a good book?

…had a water balloon fight?

…walked around naked?

…tried a new ethnic restaurant?

…ate with your hands?

…turned your cell phone off & enjoyed the quiet?

…stretched your body?

…took a road trip to a new place?

…watched your favorite movie?

…made a Root Beer float or S’mores?

…played in the mud?

What does this have to do with those two questions? Everything. Until you love your life, even the smallest detail of your life, it’s impossible for someone who is full of love to be attracted to you.

Until you love your life completely, how can anyone know how to love you? People lead by example. So instead of wondering why can’t he love you the way you want him to, or why can’t you find a man to love you, make sure you’re putting in a lotta elbow grease lovin’ you. Start small. Be grateful for everything that surrounds you and focus on that.

I can guarantee you, that when you do this with 100% commitment, your love life will blossom. And so will you. Best of all, it will seem so effortless.

Pay attention and enjoy your life now and everything else will fall into place.

P.S. Do this when you feel like a parrot asking him to spend more time with you.

P.P.S. Also do this when you’re feeling yucky. Get your attention off what’s bothering you and focus elsewhere. Preferably, on something fun and relaxing.